You purposely looked for ways to tear me down. The words you used.. the painful sickening words. I can still hear them. You yelling, slamming the doors. It’s all I can hear. That last phone call. The threats. No one and I mean NO ONE, deserves that. But truth be told, you didn’t give one shit about how you made me feel. As soon as I had the courage to leave you, you admitted how wrong you were. How horrible you were. Tried guilting me back to you. Good thing I didn’t fall for it. I mean, I almost did but look where I am and look where you are. You begged me not to leave. Crying at my feet, literally. Months later of course I love you. You don’t put up with a monster without love. But I see right through the games. You calling me on blocked numbers even when having a girlfriend. Trying to make me seem like the bad guy. What’s up with that? Can’t admit you’re wrong. Ever. I’ve held onto the you I knew but that you is gone. That ‘ you ‘ is dead. He died. The one I knew is nowhere to be found. I miss you but not in the way you think. I just miss the good memories. But then the bad ones haunt me and I remember how miserable you made me. I think of the note I wrote you, ( that you told me you kept ) does she know? point being, I said ” we became strangers in love ”. That could not be more true. We were toxic. You told me you’d never leave and you never did. You never would have. You loved me. But you also hated me. But being loved by someone who hates seeing you happy. That’s not love. I wish I knew what it was. But I don’t. Up until about two weeks ago, you said maybe we’ll find our way back to each other and then you’d say goodbye, id say “ I love you still “ then you’d tell me how you can’t say it but I know. Guess I can’t blame you for being the bad guy. Because all those maybes, and I miss you’s and I loves you’s we’re going on well you were with another girl but thats between you two. You may read this. Your fist with clench, you’ll send me a message stating how much of a “ cunt, bitch, liar or asshole” I am. Might even threaten my life again. But then I’ll remember I won’t ever let someone put me down the way you did. I’ll never let someone make me feel like less than I am. I will NEVER let someone flat out fucking LIE because they are too scared to admit their own faults. So dear B, a big fuck you. I’m not worthless. I am strong and I saw the real you. I will sieze to pretend you don’t exist. Because I’m sick of hearing the yelling in my head. I want to be loved without the hate. Cause your love was cancled
out by the hate. You have no power over me, and it kills you. But guess what? It shouldn’t effect you. This post shouldn’t effect you. You shouldn’t even be reading it. You shouldn’t be sneaking peaks of my social media. Just leave. Leave me alone. I’m ok. I’m good. Most days. Some days I’m not. But that’s also ok. I don’t think I hate you. But I sure as hell don’t love you.
Should have known. Would have left. Could have saved myself.
Life. This heart wrenching bullshit. But yet we keep choosing to go on and on. Make the same dumb decisions, or maybe we change to make a better decision, truth is it doesn’t matter. You could do everything right and still suffer through everything bad. So you look back. I ‘ could ‘ have done this. I ‘ would ‘ have done that. But TRUTH be told. You wouldn’t have. So here’s to living in this fucked up world.
So, I guess I never really introduced myself on my blog. My name is Laneya and I am nine-teen years old. I created a Youtube channel two years ago and I share my mediocre life. It's called " Laneya Kelsey " if you want to check it out. I live in a basement suite in a small town that no one would know the name of and I post my life on the internet. Also, I tend to watch a lot of Friends and / or youtube videos on the daily. I work at a Tanning salon part time and the rest is spent living a life that I didn't know I would live. I like to make everything an adventure but these days most people are dull. It's the harsh reality of what civilization is turning into. But then again, I guess not everyone wants there face blasted all over the internet. I use to share my blog as I wanted it to be for fashion but then my life took a 360 turn around and I started using my blog to share my thoughts and words that won't make it anywhere else. That being said I don't advertise my posts. I have my blog link in the description of my Youtube videos but other than that I leave it up to the internet to bring people to my boring thoughts. Not going to make myself sound interesting cause well, I'm not. I started to enjoy random " tid bits " ( don't know why I call it that ) I'd find on the internet. (Tid bits means : small thing ; a little something ). So here is my tid bits, enjoy.